


So Why So Sad

by kqmarches



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: 5am, American Runner Five, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Runner Five, Hurt/Comfort, Mute Runner Five, Nightmares, Someone please hug Sam Yao, but like background/platonic/very gently hinted at 5am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 09:05:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kqmarches/pseuds/kqmarches
Summary: Sam is having a hard time. He's having a harder time admitting to it.





	So Why So Sad

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kenwaylights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenwaylights/gifts).



Sam shuffled into the dining hall with a yawn, scrubbing his hand over his face in an attempt to wake himself up. Most of the breakfasters wouldn’t be in until later, it was so early, but those who worked in the gardens and several of the runners were already milling about. Sam got his bowl of oatmeal and a cup of weak tea and peered around until he spied Five sitting on her own, reading a book. 

“Mind if I join?” he asked, trying to stifle another yawn. Five smiled and shut her book, and he sat opposite her. “Thanks. What’s the book?”

Five held the cover up to him.

“I didn’t even know there was a book about Manic Street Preachers. Any good?” he asked, sipping his tea. 

She nodded and set her spoon down to sign. “I had never heard of them before I came here. Jack got me interested.”

“All that business with Richey Edwards? I know you like a good mystery.”

“I like to think Edwards is on some tropical island somewhere, living a quiet life, safe from zombies.”

Sam laughed. “To be honest, I can picture it.”

They turned back to their oatmeal, Sam with a heavy sigh. The stuff was bland as could be, but he tried to focus on the fact that it would keep him good and full all morning. He must have made some face when he took a bite, though, because Five sniffed a silent laugh at him. A moment later, he felt her hand on his knee and jumped a bit. She gave him a pointed look, and he realized she had something in her hand that she was trying to be sneaky about. He grabbed it, and she winked at him as he looked down at his palm, his eyes going wide. 

“Where did you get a sugar packet?” he whispered. 

Her response was a smile full of mischief and a refusal to reveal her sources. 

“Well, I’m not taking all of it, just half,” he insisted, peeking around before tearing the paper packet and adding half the contents to his oatmeal. “Go on, you take the rest.”

He could tell Five was about to refuse, so he made his best puppy eyes at her, which tended to work like a charm. She snatched the packet and quickly dumped the last of the sugar into her own oatmeal, then stuffed the paper into her pocket. Both their breakfasts much improved, they fell back into a comfortable silence. Sam had to stifle yawns several times, and on the fourth time, Five tapped the table to get his attention. Her face was full of concern, but Sam smiled and shook his head. 

“Sorry. Couldn’t sleep last night, for some reason,” he says with a laugh. “Odd thing, right? I mean, what’s there to keep us up at night these days? A few zombies, what’s that?”

Five’s worry melted into a smile. “Try to get some rest tonight. We need you in good shape.”

“I’m always in good shape.”

Five pressed her lips together as though trying to hold back a laugh, making dimples appear in her cheeks. If Sam stared a second longer than he meant to, Five didn’t seem to notice. 

***

“Come on, come on...don’t look back, just run like hell,” Sam urged, gripping at his hair as he watched the screens. “You’re nearly there - raise the gates !”

The klaxon sounded as the gates lifted, and Sam sank back into his chair with relief when he saw Five do a clumsy but still impressive tuck-and-roll to get into the township. He could see her laughing as she splayed herself out on the dirt, catching her breath. 

“Good run, Five. Take your time getting cleaned up and bring that stuff over whenever you get a chance. No rush,” he said, waiting for Five’s thumbs up before turning off the comms. 

It  _ had  _ been a good run, even with that close call near the end of it. Janine had given Sam a list a mile long of electronic equipment she needed, and a good portion of it would be used in comms to make life significantly easier for them. Five had gotten everything on the list and then some. Sam celebrated with a couple of biscuits he had tucked away under his desk, then closed his eyes for a moment. He had forgotten how tired he was while he had been monitoring Five’s run, and now that it was over, his whole body felt heavy. 

He must have dozed for a moment, because when the door to the shack opened, he jumped a bit, much to Five’s amusement. She stood there, hair still dripping a bit from the customary quick shower before her bite inspection, holding out her pack to him. 

“Hey, Five,” said Sam, standing to take the bag and headset. “Biscuit?”

“Sure, a  _ cookie _ sounds great,” Five signed pointedly, grinning as she selected one. “Do you want help setting up the new equipment?”

“Really? I mean...yeah, I’d like that. Thanks.”

Sam starts digging through Five’s pack to try and find the things he needs. As he does, he notices Five frowning while looking around the shack. 

“Something wrong?” he asked. 

“Did you... _ clean _ ?” Five signed, her hands moving slowly to emphasize her disbelief. 

“I, uh...yeah. I did.”

“You cleaned.”

“Yes.”

“You.”

“ Seemed the adult, responsible thing to do. Don’t look at me in that tone of voice, I have my moments,” said Sam as he shook two cables apart. 

“You have moments, yes, but never ones that involve cleaning.”

“Look...Janine’s been on edge lately and I thought it would be nice to give her one less thing to feel stressed about, that’s all. She’s always going on about the state of the comms shack, so…”

Five softened at that, and Sam felt a little tug of guilt at the lie, which he hid by fussing over a couple of wires. Five helped him get them untangled and gave his arm a little squeeze. 

“Are you okay?” she signed with her free hand. 

“Yeah, of course. Why?”

“You look tired.”

“Well...sure, yeah, aren’t we all tired all the time nowadays?”

“You’ve looked tired for a few days. More than usual.”

Sam shrugged, not meeting Five’s eyes. “I guess I haven’t been sleeping so well lately. Change in the weather, I suppose. Does that ever happen to you? It starts getting colder or warmer and suddenly it’s like your body forgets how sleep works?”

Five nodded, but reached up to brush Sam’s hair back from his eyes and get a better look at him all the same. He didn’t exactly want to ruin the moment, but he also didn’t want her worrying about him. She had more than enough on her plate as it was, so he forced a laugh. 

“Actually...I did have the weirdest dream last night when I did sleep. Want to hear about it?” he said, hoping he could make something up that was enough to distract. “Okay, so, it all started with me sitting at my desk, getting ready for a run. Business as usual. Only I looked down at the mic, and instead of a mic, it was a, uh...tuna.”

Five laughed silently, amusement all over her face. Sam went on, improvising details of an odd dream, until he started to believe it himself. 

***

Movie night was one of the most highly-anticipated activities in Abel. It felt so good, so normal, so blessedly like before that it hardly even mattered what was showing. All that mattered was everyone wearing their most comfortable clothes, squishing together under blankets and snacking on whatever was available. Five was nestled in a corner with Jack and Eugene, all of them passing a box of cereal between them, when Sam carefully made his way over. They made a space and passed him the cereal. 

“Thanks,” he whispered, grabbing a handful. “Sorry I’m late. Took longer to pack up than I thought.”

“That’s what you get for committing to a clean environment. Should have just done what I do and kept those expectations low,” said Jack, earning himself an elbow in the ribs from Eugene. 

“What’re we watching?” asked Sam, peering at the screen. “Ooh, is that Lauren Bacall? Who cares what we’re watching, Lauren Bacall’s in this, I’m in.”

Five high fived him with a look of solidarity.

They quieted down and watched the film, a black-and-white drama of some sort. It was probably very interesting, and not just because of the chemistry between Bogart and Bacall, but Sam soon found himself unable to pay much attention. It was just that the room was so warm with so many people in it, and the pillow he sat on was soft, and there was always something calming about being around Five when she was focused, so he thought he might close his eyes. Just for a minute. Surely no one would notice…

“Sam.  _ Sam _ . Hey. It’s okay.”

Sam blinked and looked around, his heart racing. He could feel sweat on his face. About a dozen pairs of eyes were on him, expressions ranging from annoyed to concerned. It was Eugene who had spoken and whose hand was on his shoulder, and Sam realized what must have happened. 

“I’m fine,” he said quickly, slapping on a smile. “Sorry. Had one of those falling dreams. Actually hit the ground in this one.”

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Jack whispered. “You look a bit spooked.”

“Yeah, yeah, totally fine. Sorry to interrupt,” Sam adds to the others still looking his way. “All fine.”

“Maybe you should turn in, Sam,” Eugene suggested.

“Nah, I’m all right. Seriously.”

Jack and Eugene both shrugged and turned back to the movie, and Sam made to do the same, but Five’s hand on his wrist stopped him. She was looking at him with that same worried expression he had seen a couple of other times over the past few days, but as before, Sam gave her a smile to show her there was nothing to worry about. He patted her hand and locked his eyes on the screen. Five’s hand stayed on his wrist until it was over. 

***

Sam thought he had done a pretty good job of covering after the movie night. He made enough jokes, poked enough fun at himself, laughed when people teased him a bit, all that sort of thing. By the time he made it back to the comms shack, though, he was knackered, and all he wanted to do was crawl onto his cot and get some real sleep. He tried, too, really he did, but…

After nearly an hour of trying and failing to fall asleep, it was like his entire body veered off in the opposite direction. He felt anxious and itchy, like he needed to be up and moving. He stood and stretched, shook out his limbs, even tried jumping up and down on the spot, but he still felt like he was crawling out of his skin. He briefly considered going over to the hospital and seeing if Maxine could give him something to help him sleep, but he thought better of it. Medicine was too precious a commodity to waste on someone who wasn’t actually sick. 

In the end, he settled for busying himself doing some of the repairs he and Janine had discussed. He had gotten better with electronics lately, and even Janine had vaguely praised him when he helped her wire up some better lighting for the shack a few weeks ago. The stuff Five had brought him the other day was in a box under the desk, so he pulled it out and started digging around. 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been working when he heard the door open, startling him. He whirled around, fully prepared to see Janine standing there and looking irritated with him, but instead seeing Five in the doorway with the look he has come to know as her “I knew it” expression. 

“Five, it’s the middle of the night,” said Sam. “What’re you doing up?”

“I was worried about you,” she signs, the movement frank and to the point. “I woke up and wanted to check on you.”

“That’s...that’s nice of you, but really, I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m…”

Sam had planned on finishing that sentence. Probably with a joke of some kind. He had planned on flashing a grin at Five and assuring her all was well and letting her get back to her own rest. The problem, though, was that Five could probably read him better than anyone he had ever known, possibly including his own mother, and she was looking at him with dark, canny eyes, and maybe it was her or maybe it was his exhaustion finally catching up to him but his brain just wouldn’t  _ shut up _ and soon it wasn’t just his brain not shutting up, it was his mouth too, and -

“I just - I haven’t slept very much lately. I’ve been...I’ve had some bad dreams. It’s not a big deal, everyone has them, it's not like mine are any worse or something. But, yeah, I don’t know, I’ve been having trouble sleeping and I guess maybe it’s getting to me and...I’m not really sure what to do.”

Five didn’t even hesitate. She crossed to him in three long steps and pulled him into a tight hug. It surprised him, but a second later his brain came back online and he returned it. She didn’t rush him or anything, didn’t pull back to sign anything. She just held onto him for a while. Sam was the one to let go first, a little embarrassed. 

“I guess it was pretty obvious,” he mumbled. 

Five nodded, but she was kind about it. She nudged the box of wires out of the way with her foot and pulled Sam over to his cot. They both sat, and Five turned to him with a patient expression. It was a clear invitation to talk, but not a demand. Sam took a moment to gather his thoughts. 

“Okay. Okay, so...it’s just...it’s my dad’s birthday in a couple of days. Or, well, it would have been. So he’s been on my mind a lot lately. And my mum. And, well, the last time I ever saw them was when...well. You know,” he said, his voice quiet. Five reached over and placed a warm hand on his back. “I don’t know why it’s getting to me so much right now. Nothing’s happened or anything.”

Five just started rubbing slow circles on his back, letting him take his time. 

“It’s the same dream, mostly. It’s my dad, and we’re just talking, and then a second later he’s turning and I have to...but sometimes it’s not my dad, sometimes it’s my mum. Sometimes my sister. And sometimes it’s my friends. From uni, from when I was a kid...from here...sometimes it’s you, Five.”

Sam turned to face her, and his eyes started to sting and prickle. Five kept rubbing his back, her face calm, her eyes sympathetic. Sam cleared his throat.

“I’ve been trying to avoid it, you know? Stupid.”

Five shook her head. 

“I’m sure it’ll pass. I just didn’t want to bother anyone,” mumbled Sam, looking away from Five. “Everyone has plenty to deal with. Especially you runners. You’re the ones out there, up close to the zoms, having to fight and escape and -”

“Stop.”

She signed with such ferocity that it shut Sam up immediately. 

“You listen to me,” she signed, hands moving faster. “We are  _ all  _ carrying  _ all  _ of this apocalypse. We have  _ all  _ done things and seen things that we cannot possibly handle alone. Don’t you dare shut yourself off because you think you haven’t earned help carrying your share of all this. Asking for help is not the same as handing someone a burden. Do you know how much we all love you? Do you really think we’d see it as a burden to help you if something is wrong?”

Sam shifted, a little uncomfortable. Five softened and slowed her hands. 

“Sam, please. Let me help you, okay?” she signed. “Not because I feel like I have to. Because I  _ want _ to, just like anyone else at Abel would want to.”

He looked at her for a moment, seeing the honesty in her eyes, and his resolve finally broke. He nodded, and she looked relieved. 

“First of all, you need to get some sleep,” she said, and she gave him a little nudge to urge him to lie down, then covered him over with his blanket.

“What about you?”

Five turned off the brighter of his two lights, leaving just the small camping lantern on. It was dim, but she could still be seen in order to sign. 

“I’m going to stay right here.”

“But it’s the middle of the night.”

“Yes, and?”

She reached under Sam’s cot and pulled out some odds and ends - a couple of spare backpacks, an extra blanket, and a little bedroll that was just a bit too small for Five. After a few moments of fluffing and adjusting things, she had arranged herself a decent bed on the floor next to him. He felt a bit guilty about her sleeping on the ground, but he knew better than to argue with her. She reached up and pulled his hand down so she could hold it while they slept and gave it a squeeze. Sam’s heart wrenched a little at that, at how thoughtful this display of support was, and he squeezed her hand back. He could just make out the tattoo on her wrist, and it was the last thing he saw before he finally fell into a heavy sleep.

***

Sam woke with a strangled cry, breathing hard, dizzy and disoriented. He scrambled to sit up, trying to calm down. The same unbidden images had come to him in his sleep, the same nightmares, but this time, something was different. 

This time there were arms around him right away, holding him tightly and safely. It took him a minute for his brain to catch up and realize that it was Five hugging him. 

She pulled back when his breathing slowed, looking closely at him, not quite letting go. Sam closed his eyes and took a few more deep breaths, feeling more grounded than he had in the last week of having such dreams. When he looked at Five again, she was as calm as could be, a steady and quiet presence that pushed his panic away. He pushed his hair from his eyes, which were just the slightest bit watery. 

“You’re safe,” Five signed. 

That was all she said, and that was all he needed to hear. They both lay back down to get another hour or two of sleep. 

Sam didn’t dream at all that time. He just slept. 


End file.
